I have yet to actually read Chapman's "The 5 Love Languages." But in the last year, I did take the quiz to discover my primary love languages. You can do so here: http://www.5lovelanguages.com.
Between hearing my mother talk about the content of the book, and seeing how others have put the quiz to good use in discovering their own love languages, I've had some time to think about and discover some common themes in the culture's reception of the book and the knowledge it has imparted to society.
You'll hear a lot of people talk about what they're love language is. Among my own circles of friends, it will come up in conversation often. Not overly frequently; but often.
Here is a basic description of the 5 different love languages from Chapman's website:
Quality Time: "...nothing says “I love you” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes you feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed activities, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Whether itʼs spending uninterrupted time talking with someone else or doing activities together, you deepen your connection with others through sharing time."
Physical Touch: "A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, and thoughtful touches on the arm—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Appropriate and timely touches communicate warmth, safety, and love to you."
Receiving Gifts: "The receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are heartfelt symbols to you of someone else's love and affection for you."
Words of Affirmation: "Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important— hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. You thrive on hearing kind and encouraging words that build you up."
Acts of Service: "Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most wants to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter. When others serve you out of love (and not obligation), you feel truly valued and loved."
Knowing your love language is definitely of value. It is good to know yourself and to know what you need. Knowing your primary love language also helps you to know more clearly the way you show love to others, since, often, the primary way you receive love is the primary way you give love.
But this cannot be the end all be all: "This is how I love and this is how I need to be loved." What's wrong with that statement? There is no other subject in that sentence than "I." Love is an exchange between two persons. By definition, it is willing the good for the other for the other's own sake. St. John Paul II calls this "friendship" and ranks it as the highest form of love. (Marriage, he says, is the most intimate kind of friendship.)
I'm glad knowing your love language is beneficial to you. I'm happy to know mine, too. But, I've realized that this knowledge, instead of showing us how to love others, can lead to putting limitations on the way we show love. We think because primarily our way of showing love is acts of service that we can/want/should only do acts of service to show people we love them. But the fact is, this is not what loving others looks like. Love is about sacrifice. It's not only about what fulfills me, what makes me happy. No. Love is giving and receiving, and the love languages are about giving love in the way that those receiving that love need it. Now, of course, because this goes both ways, sometimes other people need to let you love them in the way that you primarily show love, even if that is not the primary love language they respond to. That is part of the exchange of love. You need to give love in that way and so that means sometimes people need to receive love in that way because you need to show them love in that way. But we must respect and honor that this is true for the other person as well.
To put this in context, let's set up a scenario: Patti and Maggie are friends. Patti's primary love language is acts of service, and the lowest-ranking love language in her results is physical touch. Maggie, on the other hand, has the primary love language of physical touch and acts of service is the one she gives/responds to the least. How does this work in their relationship?
Patti realizes that Maggie shows her love by giving hugs, squeezing another person's hand affectionately, or even high-fiving. Maggie needs to show people love in that way. Patti does not necessarily enjoy being touched; but Patti knows Maggie is expressing her love for her when Maggie gives her a hug. How do you find the balance? You recognize that this is an expression of love. You stop focusing on you and you focus on them: they are showing you that they love you, and that is something to be thankful for, whether the expression is our favorite or not. Patti realizes that, even though Patti does not enjoy hugs, Maggie needs to show her love by giving Patti hugs and Patti has reached a point where that is fine with her.
Now, on the other hand, Maggie needs to notice that Patti shows how she loves other people by doing things for them. So when Patti washes the dishes so Maggie won't have to since Maggie is stressed about the amount of homework she has to get done, that is equivalent to Maggie giving someone a hug because they're stressed. Patti is showing Maggie love by doing something to help her out. Maggie should not be upset that Patti did not give her a hug; she should be grateful that Patti wanted to help Maggie out and show her love for Maggie by taking care of the dishes.
Like so many things in our lives, love languages are about balance. Balance definitely isn't easy; but who ever said that life was made to be easy? Or love for that matter?
So, the next time you really want to show that person that you love them, don't immediately revert to your top love language. Look at what that person does for other people to show them that they care, and do something similar for them. If they love to hang out with people (quality time), then set up a time to get coffee together and just sit and talk and be present. If they are always building people up with words of affirmation, do that for them: tell them what they do well, what about them inspires you, etc. If they are always making or buying something for someone else, even if it's something as simple as a candy bar or a note, do that for them in return.
I'm not saying that you should hide your primary love language away in a dark corner never to be seen. Heck no. God made you to love that way. You are meant to love that way. What is necessary is that we look around us and recognize that others need to be loved in particular ways at particular times. How do we know when to love them one way vs. another? Well, that's tricky. That requires us to be perceptive and tactful.
We can't bar ourselves from receiving love in certain ways. That hurts people. It hurts to be told by someone that they don't want you to love them in the way that may be your primary way of showing love. We must find a balance, and come to a point where we are able to receive love and give love in various ways. Naturally some are stronger than others; God made us that way. But we need to remember again and again that love is not just about giving love the way we want/need to give love and receiving love in the way we want/need to receive love. It is also about giving love in the way that others need to receive it, and receiving love in the way that others need to give it to us.
"Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." -1 Corinthians 13:4-7
